How Texting Mind Games Will Ruin Your Life

We all know how popular texting is to communicate to parents, friends, or significant others and quite frankly it can be very useful when you don't have to the time to call someone.  But, with the technology of texting comes so many more difficult and stressful communication situations.  For example, when you are texting someone and they always take forever to respond and in the time they aren't responding you start over thinking what they could be thinking like, "Oh no they don't like me" or even more extreme, "They just don't even want to talk to me."

I agree, I fall under the category of people who does this, but what does it really accomplish when we assume what someone else is thinking?  Not to mention we take it very personally that someone didn't text back when we thought they were going to. Personal examination and blame is very popular outcome of not receiving a text back and can put someone in a very down state of mind.

Stop beating yourself up about what you texted or what they think.  If texting is your only form of communication, then you probably aren't that close, but in almost every other context texting shouldn't be used to get to know someone or to find out who they are as a person, that kind of conversation is meant to be had in person over dinner, or in a car, even grabbing coffee.

I guess what I'm saying is stop wasting so much time worrying about texting someone and worry about making the actual connection in person.  It is ten times more important and will truly bring the friendship or relationship closer together.  This is advice that everyone needs to take, including myself.  Don't take anything personally while texting someone  because you can never really tell the emotion behind something and never assume someone feels a certain way about something.  Conversation in  person will solve a lot of the issues that texting creates.

-Raboin

Difference Between How Men and Women Communicate

This is a short video clip that can change the way you view communication between different gender and sexes.  This video shows a great contrast between how men view communication and conflict, but also how women view communication and conflict.  Watching this video more then once is the best way to get the most effective understanding of communication between genders.

Take a look..

This video shows a great explanation of how many and women think about different issues.  Men take a very direct approach to conflict and are always trying to figure out the problem.  Which makes sense from one point of view because of the guy can fix the problem then there will no longer be a problem.  Women on the other hand like to speak on emotion and feelings.  In most cases women tend to not want the guy to fix the problem but to validate what she is saying and actively listen to her issues.  From a women's perspective sometimes it is better to have someone hear you out without making conclusions or assumptions all the time.  Both of these approaches have their differences, but that does not make one or the other better.  Sometimes it's better to understand that people view everything from a different lens, and although you make think your side is simple and easy to understand, other people might not always feel the same.  Being conscientious of other people can save a lot of unneeded annoyance when communicating with other people.

-Raboin

Conflict

Certain people handle conflict in different ways, whether that is breaking down and crying or becoming more aggressive and angry. Since conflict is natural and apt to happen, it is important for people to understand how to handle conflict and how to understand the nature of conflict.

Instead of analyzing all the sources of conflict and how people argue, I am going to focus mainly on how to manage interpersonal conflict. 

Certain ways one can identify if someone is feeling conflict but not expressing it is through criticism. Criticism does not always have to be bad, but when taken too seriously it can personally attack someone's personality.

Another warning sign that someone is looking for conflict is showing contempt towards someone.  Contempt is the expression of insults and attacks on someone such as calling names or demeaning someone for something they did wrong repeatedly.

Defensiveness also is a great sign of distress.  Defensiveness occurs when someone feels like they are the victim and are being cornered for doing something wrong.  Instead of listening to what the other person has to say, someone who is being defensive will come up with excuses instead of actually listening things out.

Stonewalling is the last problematic behavior during conflict when one of the parties shuts down and becomes introverted, not listening or speaking to the other person.

Knowing and recognizing these few steps in understanding someone is in distress can help realize their is conflict and fixing the conflict.

-Raboin

Emotion

Emotions are powerful, and can control the way we act, talk, and even think.  Although you may not always realize it, you are always feeling a mixture of emotions at any given point in time, that is why they are so important to understand.  Here are some tips to keep in mind to help you understand emotions a little bit better.

- Emotions are physiological: When you are feeling an emotion, specifically intense emotions, your body naturally reacts.  For example, when you are scared your heart rate goes up and your breathing rate goes up.  When you are nervous or impatient you tend to twitch or tap something repeatedly. The main reason emotions feel so different from each other is because our body reacts differently to different types of emotions.  This is why emotions are difficult to control, because our body naturally reacts to the emotion and acts a certain way.

- Emotions are also cognitive: As I just said emotions are physiological, but when you think about it, some emotions cause the same reactions in your body. For example intense passion and fear both can cause an increase in your heart rate.  So how, when we are feeling the emotion, determine what the emotion is?  We can label emotions because our thoughts and mind tells us what we are feeling.  A lot of the time though you feel emotions but can't explain them and your mind searches and searches for a reason until it comes up with a label to put on the emotion.

It is also important to realize how people display emotions and to realize how yourself display emotions.  Display rules are unwritten codes that govern the ways people manage and express emotions.  These emotion display rules consist of:















These are some examples of the five display rules.  By using these display rules and understanding when you use them, you can save a lot of uncertainty and drama.

Acceptance Is Not Always What You Think

Acceptance plays completely different roles in certain times of peoples' lives. Many people fear never being accepted, others know they are going to be accepted and some people spend their whole lives searching for it.  I will narrow down acceptance into two parts, acceptance in high-school, and acceptance in college.

In high-school everyone's biggest fear is being accepted by a group, having those core group of individuals that they plan on being "best friends forever" with.  If you have ever noticed what makes people friends in high-school it's very surface level.  It's what they have in a common.  This is why you always hear about the high-school stereotypes of jock, geeks, cheerleaders, the band crew etc.  Although these stereotypes are blown out of proportion, to a point they have some truth behind them.  The reason why these stereotypes are so accurate is because, like mentioned earlier, friends in high school are friends because of what they enjoy, whether it be sports, math, band or other activities. All these groups are great because you find a group of friends that have similar interest with you. Although there is a conflict with belonging to these groups.  Just because you like band, doesn't mean you like to do the same things as all the other kids who like band, doesn't mean you think the same as the other band kids.  With these groups being formed, people are scared to have friends in other groups because they don't want to be unaccepted by their one group, which makes people conform to be what their group is.  This means students in high school become someone that they are not.  They gain the values of their group they belong to because they want to fit in.  If that group drinks, or smokes most people in high school do not have the confidence to not do the same things as their friends. People become bullies if their friends are bullies, people stoop caring about school if their friends do, and this causes a huge identity crisis at an early age for teenagers. What they need to start realizing is that with confidence, true friends will accept you for who you are.  (Yes, I know that was a bit to cliche but it is also true) After high school comes college.

College is a completely different socially accepting crowd then high-school is.  In college, students are not only accepted for their similarities, but also their differences.  In college, their are so many groups and organizations that people can join who have similar moral and value interest. Like high school, most people meet because of a common interest, but in college, people become friends after finding a similarity by accepting each others differences.  For example, if your best friend in high school drinks alcohol but you don't, there is going to be a barrier between the friendship where as in college if your best friend doesn't drink, then you accept them for that instead of judging them.  Don't get me wrong, college isn't a judge free zone, but it is however an easier place to meet friends who have the same values in college.

In high school and being a teenager, many people lose sight of their values, of their morals. In college, once students understand they are not being judged on their differences, try to find their identity again.  College is about finding yourself after high school was about conforming to find friends who had a surface level connection with you.  Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, in high school and in college.  Being confident in your morals will not only make you a stronger individual but it will also make you more confident and happy with the person you are today.  Stand up for what you believe in, and stay true to the things you believe in.  When other people start seeing you as a strong individual with values, that's when you are respected for who you are and your differences.  Always except people for their differences, because it's the differences that make us diverse and unique, not our similarities.

-Raboin

The True Story of Commitment

When people hear the word commitment most think of a relationship, marriage, dating or something in that area.  When people commit to a relationship, it doesn't have to be with someone in a romantic way but also with friends.  Think about, do you have a commitment to talk to your friends every now and then to catch up? You may not think of it as a commitment but if you do not talk to your friends or see your friends for a week or so, then your relationship starts to fade away.  So why if we have so many commitments to friendships do we tend to fade away from committing to romantic relationships?

Think about it.

Everyone at one point in their life is faced with the option to commit to a relationship or to let the relationship go in a different way.  Many people need commitment to feel secure and accepted by themselves and others, but other people also see commitment as a restriction and something that they cannot handle.

People are hurt emotionally through relationships that didn't work out, by people who let them down, and from trusting people who shouldn't have been trustworthy. So how does this all affect commitment? It all comes down to trust vs. mistrust and how each individual handles the situation.

On one hand you have the people who need commitment.  These people feel alone and lost without a relationship and not accepted.  To have the feeling of acceptance or love, they tend to search for relationships even when they aren't for the best.  We have all had that friend that bounces from one relationship to another and it never lasts long.  Think about why they bounce from relationship to relationship, it's because when they are in a relationship they feel the emotion of being wanted and desired.  The positives to being ready to commit to a relationship is that there will never be a half-hearted a relationship these type of people are in.  They invest fully in every relationship they are in.  The negatives though: They could get in relationships that they don't really want to be in but are in for the acceptance.  They can go a long time in a relationship in fear of leaving their partner because they don't want to lose the security of a relationship.

Then there are the people who can never seem to commit to a relationship and actually fear having to commit to something long term.  Judgement about these people are that they don't fully like people or they don't want to only like one person when that isn't always the case.  Many people fear commitment for the pure fact of letting people down.  A lot of people do not like to feel the responsibility of caring about others when some of the times people have troubles caring for themselves.  People who are afraid of commitment may not be worried about the restrictions or the label like most people think about, but more worried about the outcome of the commitment if it does not end well.

Both of these examples are the extremes on both sides of the commitment scale.  Many times when someone is on one side of the scale, or in the middle they cannot see why the other side of the scale is acting the way they do.  A key and important fact to remember is that you may not understand a different view point then yours, but don't judge what you don't understand.  Different does not mean it's wrong.  If you keep this in mind, many commitment issues can be resolved.

-Raboin

Listening is More Than Hearing

Many people do not know the difference between hearing and listening.  Listening is the process of making meaning out of another person's spoken message.  In non-wordy terms, listening is more than hearing the words someone is saying, but it's also making meaning of what they are saying and thinking about it.  For example, have you ever had an experience when you are telling someone a story or trying to ask someone a question but they are too busy looking at their phone's or watching TV.  Then you say something like, "Are you even listening to me?" And your friend usually responds, "Yes of course I'm listening I heard everything you said" This is an example of how a lot of the time people hear your words but are distracted and not consciously thinking about what you are saying, meaning they are not listening.

Listening is not that same as hearing

The reason why listening is such an important concept is because listening is used so often for so many things.  In the workplace if someone asks you to do something and you are not actively listening, then you could miss some very important information for the job.  If your good friend tells you something important, and you are not effectively listening, then more problems will start occurring in the relationship.

Many people believe that their listening skills are much better then they actually are.  Why is this? Well, many people think listening is effortless and  and easy when in reality it takes focus and work to be good listener.  To be a better listener people should follow the stages of effective listening. These stages are the ideal process of how someone should listen effectively.

- Hearing: This is the first step in the listening process that is most common and obvious.  It involves hearing the words or sentences that someone is saying to you.  Remember that you can hear someone, without actually listening to them when we become bored, tired, or simply uninterested.

- Understanding:  Next is understanding what the person is trying to say to you. When you do not fully understand what someone is saying, it is always better to ask then make assumptions.  If you make assumptions, then you won't get the full meaning of what the message is actually saying.

- Remembering: The third step of effective listening is remembering or being able to recall past information.  It happens all the time when you forget a person's name or forget where they are from.  The reason why people forget names is because the first time you meet someone, if you are not listening thoroughly then you will not be able to store the information and remember it later.

- Interpreting: This is the act of taking what the person said and thinking about it and how you preceived their message.  Interpreting requires the person listening to pickup on all verbal and non-verbal behaviors that the person speaking is giving off.

-  Evaluating: Evaluating is simply the time where someone takes time to think before they speak.  This is the time to review how you feel about the message sent to you and what you want to say back.

- Responding: The last step is the most simple, the act of taking the message sent to you and sending it back.  Responding doesn't always have to be verbal but can be non verbal if the person speaking does not expect a reply.

These few steps are the keys to being a great listener.  Obviously you cannot follow all these steps every time you are listening to someone,  but they are good ideas to strive to use when listening.  The importance of listening is extreme and shows up everywhere you will go.  Whether it's at a job, or building a relationship, effective listening is a must. Take these simple steps and apply them to the next conversation you are in. You can feel the difference of hearing and listening right away and understand why listening is so important.

-Raboin