Emotion

Emotions are powerful, and can control the way we act, talk, and even think.  Although you may not always realize it, you are always feeling a mixture of emotions at any given point in time, that is why they are so important to understand.  Here are some tips to keep in mind to help you understand emotions a little bit better.

- Emotions are physiological: When you are feeling an emotion, specifically intense emotions, your body naturally reacts.  For example, when you are scared your heart rate goes up and your breathing rate goes up.  When you are nervous or impatient you tend to twitch or tap something repeatedly. The main reason emotions feel so different from each other is because our body reacts differently to different types of emotions.  This is why emotions are difficult to control, because our body naturally reacts to the emotion and acts a certain way.

- Emotions are also cognitive: As I just said emotions are physiological, but when you think about it, some emotions cause the same reactions in your body. For example intense passion and fear both can cause an increase in your heart rate.  So how, when we are feeling the emotion, determine what the emotion is?  We can label emotions because our thoughts and mind tells us what we are feeling.  A lot of the time though you feel emotions but can't explain them and your mind searches and searches for a reason until it comes up with a label to put on the emotion.

It is also important to realize how people display emotions and to realize how yourself display emotions.  Display rules are unwritten codes that govern the ways people manage and express emotions.  These emotion display rules consist of:















These are some examples of the five display rules.  By using these display rules and understanding when you use them, you can save a lot of uncertainty and drama.

Acceptance Is Not Always What You Think

Acceptance plays completely different roles in certain times of peoples' lives. Many people fear never being accepted, others know they are going to be accepted and some people spend their whole lives searching for it.  I will narrow down acceptance into two parts, acceptance in high-school, and acceptance in college.

In high-school everyone's biggest fear is being accepted by a group, having those core group of individuals that they plan on being "best friends forever" with.  If you have ever noticed what makes people friends in high-school it's very surface level.  It's what they have in a common.  This is why you always hear about the high-school stereotypes of jock, geeks, cheerleaders, the band crew etc.  Although these stereotypes are blown out of proportion, to a point they have some truth behind them.  The reason why these stereotypes are so accurate is because, like mentioned earlier, friends in high school are friends because of what they enjoy, whether it be sports, math, band or other activities. All these groups are great because you find a group of friends that have similar interest with you. Although there is a conflict with belonging to these groups.  Just because you like band, doesn't mean you like to do the same things as all the other kids who like band, doesn't mean you think the same as the other band kids.  With these groups being formed, people are scared to have friends in other groups because they don't want to be unaccepted by their one group, which makes people conform to be what their group is.  This means students in high school become someone that they are not.  They gain the values of their group they belong to because they want to fit in.  If that group drinks, or smokes most people in high school do not have the confidence to not do the same things as their friends. People become bullies if their friends are bullies, people stoop caring about school if their friends do, and this causes a huge identity crisis at an early age for teenagers. What they need to start realizing is that with confidence, true friends will accept you for who you are.  (Yes, I know that was a bit to cliche but it is also true) After high school comes college.

College is a completely different socially accepting crowd then high-school is.  In college, students are not only accepted for their similarities, but also their differences.  In college, their are so many groups and organizations that people can join who have similar moral and value interest. Like high school, most people meet because of a common interest, but in college, people become friends after finding a similarity by accepting each others differences.  For example, if your best friend in high school drinks alcohol but you don't, there is going to be a barrier between the friendship where as in college if your best friend doesn't drink, then you accept them for that instead of judging them.  Don't get me wrong, college isn't a judge free zone, but it is however an easier place to meet friends who have the same values in college.

In high school and being a teenager, many people lose sight of their values, of their morals. In college, once students understand they are not being judged on their differences, try to find their identity again.  College is about finding yourself after high school was about conforming to find friends who had a surface level connection with you.  Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, in high school and in college.  Being confident in your morals will not only make you a stronger individual but it will also make you more confident and happy with the person you are today.  Stand up for what you believe in, and stay true to the things you believe in.  When other people start seeing you as a strong individual with values, that's when you are respected for who you are and your differences.  Always except people for their differences, because it's the differences that make us diverse and unique, not our similarities.

-Raboin

The True Story of Commitment

When people hear the word commitment most think of a relationship, marriage, dating or something in that area.  When people commit to a relationship, it doesn't have to be with someone in a romantic way but also with friends.  Think about, do you have a commitment to talk to your friends every now and then to catch up? You may not think of it as a commitment but if you do not talk to your friends or see your friends for a week or so, then your relationship starts to fade away.  So why if we have so many commitments to friendships do we tend to fade away from committing to romantic relationships?

Think about it.

Everyone at one point in their life is faced with the option to commit to a relationship or to let the relationship go in a different way.  Many people need commitment to feel secure and accepted by themselves and others, but other people also see commitment as a restriction and something that they cannot handle.

People are hurt emotionally through relationships that didn't work out, by people who let them down, and from trusting people who shouldn't have been trustworthy. So how does this all affect commitment? It all comes down to trust vs. mistrust and how each individual handles the situation.

On one hand you have the people who need commitment.  These people feel alone and lost without a relationship and not accepted.  To have the feeling of acceptance or love, they tend to search for relationships even when they aren't for the best.  We have all had that friend that bounces from one relationship to another and it never lasts long.  Think about why they bounce from relationship to relationship, it's because when they are in a relationship they feel the emotion of being wanted and desired.  The positives to being ready to commit to a relationship is that there will never be a half-hearted a relationship these type of people are in.  They invest fully in every relationship they are in.  The negatives though: They could get in relationships that they don't really want to be in but are in for the acceptance.  They can go a long time in a relationship in fear of leaving their partner because they don't want to lose the security of a relationship.

Then there are the people who can never seem to commit to a relationship and actually fear having to commit to something long term.  Judgement about these people are that they don't fully like people or they don't want to only like one person when that isn't always the case.  Many people fear commitment for the pure fact of letting people down.  A lot of people do not like to feel the responsibility of caring about others when some of the times people have troubles caring for themselves.  People who are afraid of commitment may not be worried about the restrictions or the label like most people think about, but more worried about the outcome of the commitment if it does not end well.

Both of these examples are the extremes on both sides of the commitment scale.  Many times when someone is on one side of the scale, or in the middle they cannot see why the other side of the scale is acting the way they do.  A key and important fact to remember is that you may not understand a different view point then yours, but don't judge what you don't understand.  Different does not mean it's wrong.  If you keep this in mind, many commitment issues can be resolved.

-Raboin

Listening is More Than Hearing

Many people do not know the difference between hearing and listening.  Listening is the process of making meaning out of another person's spoken message.  In non-wordy terms, listening is more than hearing the words someone is saying, but it's also making meaning of what they are saying and thinking about it.  For example, have you ever had an experience when you are telling someone a story or trying to ask someone a question but they are too busy looking at their phone's or watching TV.  Then you say something like, "Are you even listening to me?" And your friend usually responds, "Yes of course I'm listening I heard everything you said" This is an example of how a lot of the time people hear your words but are distracted and not consciously thinking about what you are saying, meaning they are not listening.

Listening is not that same as hearing

The reason why listening is such an important concept is because listening is used so often for so many things.  In the workplace if someone asks you to do something and you are not actively listening, then you could miss some very important information for the job.  If your good friend tells you something important, and you are not effectively listening, then more problems will start occurring in the relationship.

Many people believe that their listening skills are much better then they actually are.  Why is this? Well, many people think listening is effortless and  and easy when in reality it takes focus and work to be good listener.  To be a better listener people should follow the stages of effective listening. These stages are the ideal process of how someone should listen effectively.

- Hearing: This is the first step in the listening process that is most common and obvious.  It involves hearing the words or sentences that someone is saying to you.  Remember that you can hear someone, without actually listening to them when we become bored, tired, or simply uninterested.

- Understanding:  Next is understanding what the person is trying to say to you. When you do not fully understand what someone is saying, it is always better to ask then make assumptions.  If you make assumptions, then you won't get the full meaning of what the message is actually saying.

- Remembering: The third step of effective listening is remembering or being able to recall past information.  It happens all the time when you forget a person's name or forget where they are from.  The reason why people forget names is because the first time you meet someone, if you are not listening thoroughly then you will not be able to store the information and remember it later.

- Interpreting: This is the act of taking what the person said and thinking about it and how you preceived their message.  Interpreting requires the person listening to pickup on all verbal and non-verbal behaviors that the person speaking is giving off.

-  Evaluating: Evaluating is simply the time where someone takes time to think before they speak.  This is the time to review how you feel about the message sent to you and what you want to say back.

- Responding: The last step is the most simple, the act of taking the message sent to you and sending it back.  Responding doesn't always have to be verbal but can be non verbal if the person speaking does not expect a reply.

These few steps are the keys to being a great listener.  Obviously you cannot follow all these steps every time you are listening to someone,  but they are good ideas to strive to use when listening.  The importance of listening is extreme and shows up everywhere you will go.  Whether it's at a job, or building a relationship, effective listening is a must. Take these simple steps and apply them to the next conversation you are in. You can feel the difference of hearing and listening right away and understand why listening is so important.

-Raboin

The Importance of Non-verbal Communication

It is amazing to think that 90% of communication that happens every day is non-verbal. Take a second to think about that, only 10% of communication actually involves somebody talking.  This is why learning and having some background knowledge on non-verbal communication is so important and useful.

There are five functions of non-verbal communication. 

1.) Managing conversations: Even though conversations involve speaking and communicating verbally, it is very important to understand how non-verbal communication can affect conversations.  Non-verbal clues can tell you if someone is interested in listening to you, if they are inviting you to talk to them, or if they do not want to listen to you.  Without saying one word, you can tell if someone is going to want to talk to you through non-verbal communication. 

2.) Expressing emotions: Non-verbal is the easiest way to tell how someone is feeling or how you are feeling.  Have you ever run into a scenario where you have seen someone looking upset and you asked them if they were okay?  Without them saying a word you still knew something was wrong.  This is how non-verbal communication can show you how someone is feeling without saying a word.  If someone is smiling or frowning, laughing or crying, either way non-verbal cues can tell you how someone is feeling.

3.) Maintaining relationships: Most of the time, affection and attraction isn't shown through sentences or words but instead gestures and body language.  To maintain an intimate relationship, non-verbal messages are going to play a vital role in keeping the relationship alive. Whether it's a hug, a kiss or holding hands, these are all signs of important relationship signs of affection that all come from non-verbal communication.

4.) Forming impressions:  Most first impressions you gain from people are not what they said, but how they said it and their body language you analyzed.  Many people in modern times refer to an activity as "people watching" where people sitting or standing will observe all of the people around them and judge them on their non-verbal communication.  This is a scenario that happens to us everyday and not a lot of people take time to think about what they are doing.  Especially the saying "I got a bad vibe from them." shows how people call it a vibe, but in all reality what they are saying is that they received a bad impression about someone due to their non-verbal communication.

5.) Influencing others:  Many times people who influence you are teachers, parents, cops, or judges.  People of high authority positions, but why are we so easily influenced by them? It isn't the position that influences as much as how the people in the positions carry themselves.  You don't see teachers wearing short shorts and a tank top every day, and the reason is they have a reputation to maintain if they are going to be in a position of power.  People in higher positions tend to talk more intelligently, dress nicer, and show more confidence to gain credibility from others and in turn influence others.

Learning about all these ways that non-verbal functions in everyday situations is useful, but how exactly are non-verbal messages channeled from one person to another?  Through three main channels do all non-verbal communication messages come from.  First is facial displays, this is the most popular idea that comes to mind when people think about non-verbal communication.  Facial displays can be considered everything from a smile to attractiveness.  It is proven that we are more likely to be influenced by people who have more attractive features.  Although many people do not like to admit this fact, it is a concept of non-verbal communication that does not always get as much thought as it should.  There is also eye behaviors that influence non-verbal communication.  You can tell a lot about how someone is feeling through their eyes.  Eye contact is the main point in communication because it can tell you everything from whether or not someone is attracted to you or if someone is not interested at all. Lastly, there is gestures and touch that show a huge portion of non-verbal communication.  Touch can show someone that you feel very comfortable around them and that they feel very comfortable around you.  All relationships have a sense of touch and gestures even if they do not get as much thought as facial expressions, they are just as important in the knowledge of non-verbal communication.

Always understand that non-verbal communication plays such an important role in forming impressions and should always take some thought.  Some key ways to help better yourself in the subject of non-verbal communication are:

- Be aware of the situation and who you are around
- Always keep culture in mind, where people come from and their backgrounds.
- And if you don't understand something always ask for clarification. It will save a lot of confusion.

With these short tips, so much unneeded stress can be saved. Being conscious of non-verbal messages can help you understand whether someone is attracted to you or if someone is having a bad day.  The importance and usefulness of non-verbal communication is beyond any other form of communication.  Never assume someone is acting a certain way due to their non-verbal communication but always be aware of what someone's body language might be telling you, and what your body language is telling everyone around you. With these few helpful hints, your life can be seen in such a different perspective that you never saw before.

-Raboin

Jealousy In Relationships

Jealousy is a social issue that is usually connected to intimate relationships, but can also be seen in friendships.  Feelings of jealousy result from a fear of losing someone you are close to, or have a close relationship with.  When people gain this fear, instead of acting upon it by telling the person, emotions of anger and hate tend to rise up to cover the emotion of fear.  People do not like to feel vulnerable, and fear is an emotion of vulnerability, and that is why most people tend to revert to becoming angry and upset.  There are a few simple ways that jealousy can be avoided and made easier to handle instead of ending in a huge argument or fight.

1.) This most obvious one, trust your friend or partner.  Trust is always the most obvious connection to jealousy, or the lack their of, but it is also true.  If you don't trust your friend or partner, there will always be communication issues and arguments.  Many times you may not trust your friend or partner and you do not even notice it.  Realize and reflect if you do trust your friend.  Sometimes you have to put faith in others to be happy

2.) Don't compare yourself to other people.  Social comparisons will destroy your mood and morale every time you engage in it.  There will always be someone who looks better or seems to be more funny then you, but that isn't always the case.  If you wish you were stronger, or had more money, and you are insecure about your qualities, then you will be jealous of others who have those qualities.  If you are true friends or have a true connection with your partner, other people with some better qualities will not matter.

3.) Be confident with who you are.  It may sound very tough to here, but you have to be prepared to lose the person you close to you.  Not in a sense where you should let them go as soon as you feel jealous, but don't hold on to something or try to protect something that doesn't need your help.  If you are afraid and fear losing your friend or partner so much to jealousy, you will seem controlling.  Be confident in the way things will plan out.  Jealousy should never control a relationship, so why let it?

These are just a few ways to combat trust issues and the fear of losing someone.  Never be afraid to talk to your partner or friend about being jealous.  Talking about jealousy before it goes to far can always help a relationship.  Be confident with who you are and but trust in the relationship you have and jealously will not be a problem.  It will take time and effort, but not being jealous often will save you much unneeded stress.

-Raboin

Initiating Conversation Is Easier Than You Think

Some people find it very difficult to talk to people who they have never met before and sometimes making the first move is seen as the hardest part of socializing. Truth.  What people don't understand is that engaging with strangers doesn't have to be as difficult as people make it out to people. There are many ways to look at meeting someone new, that doesn't sound as frightening or challenging.

Reasons why being able to initiate conversation is important:

- Helps build relationships

- Makes you a happier person

- Is healthy for human development

- You can meet people you never thought you would before

- Essential for any job position

The first step to initiating conversation is finding a common interest or connection with whom you are trying to start a conversation with. One example is if you are in a class with this person you can find a very surface level topic to talk about like the teacher, the homework or a test in the class.  This is a common ground and something you can talk about that isn't too personally and is usually pretty easy to hold up a conversation with.  Many people find themselves lost for words when trying to speak to someone new, and that is why finding a common ground is so effective because there should always be something you can connect to and talk more about.

The next step is exchanging names.  If you make it too formal, this can seem awkward and forced, a casual "Oh by the way my name is ____." always works because most of the time they will answer with their name, and if for some reason they don't it's very simple.  The reason why this step is so important is because once you have exchanged names with someone after a conversation it means you have built an acquaintance. This is the first step to building an actual relationship.

Things to keep in mind while initiating a conversation,

- Stay relaxed

- Keep the first conversation light and easy to engage in

- Don't over think the conversation and be yourself

(These three rules are important because the person that you will be talking to, can feel anxious or uncomfortable if you feel uncomfortable while initiating the conversation.)

Another very important factor to engaging in conversation is non-verbal communication.  Many things people do not think about when talking to someone but are just as important as what you say.  Eye-contact and facial expressions can show someone that you are sincerely interested in what they are saying.  If someone feels as though you are interested in what they have to say, they are more likely to open up and be engaged in the conversation and be interested.

Lastly, exiting your first interaction with someone: If you know you are going to see the person again then all that is really necessary is a friendly, "I'll see you around" if you are very interested in talking to the person again, make sure you make a comment about the next time you plan to talk to them or see them next.  If you are not going to see the person again and you feel the conversation has been going well, you have a couple options.  The low risk low reward option is asking if the person has Facebook and what their name is on Facebook.  This will give you another opportunity to talk to them again if you want but not much pressure and very common.  The high risk/high reward option is asking for a phone number.  This is always a tough situation for people to be put in, especially if you do not feel comfortable initiating a conversation in the first place.  A simple way to get the phone connection is saying something like, "You can just take my number down if you want to meet up or talk again?" This way you don't feel the pressure to contact them and you could potentially see if they are interested in seeing you again.

Some things to keep in mind during the first interaction is again, BE YOURSELF.  You are not trying to impress the world here.  People will love to meet you if you show the true side of yourself.  Make sure you don't self-disclose too much because people will be off put, but open up.  Every person out there in the world who you haven't met isn't judging you, they are just an opportunity to meet someone who could end up having a huge connection with you.  Step outside your comfort zone and the results will be very rewarding!

-Raboin

Introduction

This Blog is going to be about social issues people have with interacting with other people and issues that arise in relationships.  Most of the issues brought up in this Blog will be generated towards people who are the ages of 16-24.  All view points are purely opinion and are from my view point.  The point of this blog is to generate some knowledge for people who may be interested in social issues and how someone around their age would handle the situation.  I hope all of this knowledge helps you in the future.

-Raboin